16 Feb 10 8:09 pm

Little Brother

You were so young to be so angry,
tired of life before it even began,
and though you're little life was extinguished so quickly,
your big heart will always live on,
such a sad little boy,
though you were loved so very much,
so many memories, so much time,
and in the end a little girl took it all from us,
too young to die, you both were so selfish
to think that we'd be alright without you,
and when I got the call I knew,
that no matter how much hope I had for you,
that things were over,
and you were through.
Why did you give up so easily? Did you learn that from me?
Or maybe from our mom, or maybe from your dad.
The end of a life, the end of my childhood, they came all with the wretched use of a lawnmower cord,
whoever thought such a thing could be so destructive?




Now you're but a memory, a few things left behind,
your pet snake in my bedroom, the last shirt I saw you wear,
The time we spent together, the memories that we made,
and your little body, lying cold, and rotting, in your lonely grave.
I miss you my poor brother, and hope that one day,
if there's any justice, any good in the world,
that we'll meet again someday,
if you're in another body,
or if I'm dead and gone too,
and we'll meet with tears of joy, and I'll get to hold you and say that I'm sorry,
for all that you didn't get to do,
and say that I'm sorry,
for not being there to save you.


We miss you little brother, and we all love you still.

22 Feb 08 8:11 pm

I remember

I remember plotting against bleach blonde bimbos in Junior High in the back seat bleachers of a worn out gym,
Hiding in the bathrrom to escape loud pep assemblies where the smiles made me sick.

I remember hitting High School like a car hits a wall.
Hard.
Failing two classes and playing the village fool.

I remember clasping onto the wall as safeguards while my body pulsed with pills.
Crying out anguish in little drops of beaded blood in the girl's room.

I remember being molested, though I thought I'd never let it end.
Running through the halls with her, hideing from Mike, the school's janitor.

I remember seeing purple as my eyesight faded to sleep after long nights.
Writing stupid things down like profound realizations.

I remember.

I remember leaving Coopersville and enrolling new at Grandville.
Gawking at the biggest high school I'd ever seen.

I remember pushing through the atmosphere,
raging war against the summer.

I remember finding paper, and writing down my 'disturbing' thoughts.
Sharing myself with no one but you and the camera.

I remember crying out in joy as you lifted me up like your little angel girl.
Taking flight as your arms gave me wings and my hope gave me blind sight.

I remember smiling up at you as your body warmed my soul.
Kissing away that innocent pain to usher in a sweet new age.

I remember sea-sick days when you were gone.
Skipping with the seniors to make my sophmore year so much more.

I remember getting good grades and boasting my once dead GPA.
Doing college writing homework by correcting your bad grammar realities.

I remember being a pumped up hormone chick, the girl who dated the senior at 15.
The college guy at 16.
Pressing against him, letting our seduction weaken my knees.

I remember coming through to see those days.
Believing forever meant always.

I remember the reality crash, a bipolar, schitzo night, and screaming weeks of logical madness.
Tears and Discovery on my bedroom floor.

I remember 2005.

2006.
2007.


I remember you all.

02 May 07 11:41 pm

This is how we live

Sweet death,
my lover and savior,
running from me,
hideing the razor,
no way around it,
this melancholy happiness,
smiling when I'm looked at,
and wilting inside,
I weep for you,
my bleeding heart doth die,
losing you,
my lover's suicide,
"she was so young" they'll say,
but make jokes when they walk away,
as I stare into her eyes,
that've closed forever,
I feel what she felt,
on her dying day,
she went to work,
and smiled for the pay,
but got only pain,
not being able to shut it all away,
when she got home,
from the cold walk alone,
she reached a house where no one lives,
a tin hut which houses only ghosts,
ghosts of memories which we shared,
the time that I ran my fingers through her hair,
while we kissed in secrecy in her room,
worried all the time about discovery,
wondering what we should do,
and when I went home I cried,
for my lover,
and my lover's suicide.
Unintentional as it may be,
we tore eachother apart,
piece by piece.
That one last kiss,
that tearful farewell,
crying eye liner,
and frothing at the mouth,
lost in eachother's gaze,
we still couldn't let it out,
all the sufferage,
of our lesbian love,
can't get around it,
all those condescending from up above,
parents who disown us,
or blackmail us with love,
people who destroy us,
in the name of a 'God' from up above.
This is what we do,
and this is how we live,
and this is how we try,
and this is how we die.

11 Mar 06 3:37 pm

untitled

Look at me,
lost again,
sitting here,
consumed again,
by all the things,
that torment you,
translated here,
I burn for you.
Forever love,
I'll feel this pain,
on your behalf over and again,
no longer can I feel it,
outside of the norm,
this is my life,
my selfish existence.
I'm here again,
where I'd sell my soul,
just to break free,
and enter the world,
which you and I will never know.

17 Feb 06 4:28 pm

hear me, see me

promises, they look like lies,
no truths ever reach my eyes,
someone love me,
for who i am,
someone see me,
please understand.

i'm trapped again,
i want to cry,
It's time again,
please let me die,

SCreaming inside,
no one can hear me,
i'm bleeding again,
but no one will see me,

hold me tightly,
it's cold again,
hold me gently,
no abuse again,

why can't you helpme,
i'm crying so loud,
sobbing with my eyes,
i can't let the feeling out,

Hideing from the sun,
if no one can see me,
maybe no one will hurt me,

betraying myself,
nothing is real,
open your arms,
sir death, let me not feel,

no way out,
no help here,
where can i go,
the option is everywhere,

little beads of liquid,
my fake salvation,
why wont you hear me,
why wont you see me,

I can't live like this,
with tears always hidden,
waiting on the brim,
there's no way out.

push me to the ground,
hit me in the halls,
push me one step forward,
and maybe i'll fall,

in the act or in the void,
catch me cutting,
catch me crying,
catch me ripping with my nails,

Grabbing on tightly,
my mind is slipping,
will someone see my pain,
hear the cold hard rain,

happy or not,
dead or alive,
give me something strong,
give me something wrong,

cut of the emotions,
with your prosthetic happiness,
nothing else matters,
nothing else helps,

cease the searing pain,
kill this rancid expression,
do this with some quickness,
take away my loneliness.

09 Feb 06 3:49 pm

new afflictions,new addictions

new afflictions, new addictions, me and my masachistic self.
sitting in a stupor and staring at the sun, it burns my eyes; whee did the moon go.
i've got a candle but no spoon, what would it feel like to get high with artificial happiness, where did my morals go.
my eyes wont see now, they've finally burned out, what can i p[ossibly do.
get myself sick, taste the acid, as it burns my throat, where's the doctor has she gone to bed.
watch myself bleed, let the vamp side feed, it it time to move on.
look at my hair fall as i rip it out, the floor is covered now.
watch the clock and rejoice at 2;18, i'm going 'home' now.
why do the people ask why, why do you cut, why do you hate.
they'll never understand why my eyes betray sadness, even when i'm smiling, why do they ignore it with full atention.
new afflictions, new addictions, what personality do you want.

03 Feb 06 2:47 am

untitled

I sit in my room blasting the music,waiting for the pain to go away, trying not to cry,or make the cut to high,can't let anyone see the angry marks, or see the tears, wont let people hear the sobs, let the world move on, with the fake smile on my face, no one sees through the act, and I'm getting away with it all again, someone please catch me.
I watch my mother commit slow suicide and cough away the years that she wont have,and I want to cut the cigarettes so they too can feel pain. As I listen to my father ask me to please try harder, listen to him sob when he sees the new cuts, he just wants me to be happy. Why doesn't he just leave like all my other daddys seem to do? Daddy please don't go! I don't care if you arn't my real dad! I watched my brother's dad who I claimed as my own walk out the door. I held my brothers when they sobbed with grief. When I was rejected over and over again I still tried to love, and I still put on my fisad everyday. I cried with horror when the school found me with my razorblade the very first time that I used one. I trembled when the police officer asked me why I had it, and I bowed my head in shame when Principle Fox looked at me with pity. I thought maybe things would change then. Maybe the attention would help, but it didn't. When they pushed me from the school doors I was scared to no ends, and terror struck when my stable father broke down and sobbed on my shoulder while clutching my physical self tightly. After I got the medication I thought things would change.Is it strong enough? Thought maybe the pychologist could help, maybe I was wrong. How have you been, you havn't cut, have you? I hated lying even though I do it every day. I've hated lying to my family when I've been carving things into my skin. Who was there to stop me when I cut in ALONE, or carved in HATE? Who could have helped me when I sliced in TRAPPED in jagged lines? No one? Yes, no one, because no one knows. No one seems to care. So what do I do now that I've poured the ache in my chest into these words? What significance do these words have unless someone reads them besides me? Are they nothing?I have watched many things, and watch many things now, but the worst thing of all is watching my mind deteriorate.

03 Feb 06 2:44 am

Random depressedness

How do I make you understand? I don't want to suffer, I am not Jaded, I do not want suicide, I want to cease to exist. I want someone to see me and see me, not the thing that stalks the halls looking for salvation. Send me to the assylum I know you want to. Hold me in your scarred arms as I bleed myself dry in the process of writting pretty, bloody things. Let me feel your heart beat against my slowly cooling skin.I need someone, maybe it's you.