22 Nov 06 3:19 am

Door To Freedom

Im feeling lonely
Im feeling used
Im feeling lost left alone and abused
I cry tears no one sees
I bier wounds that no one needs
Im trapped in this body
My mind behind a locked door
I keep asking myself where are the answers
And what are they for

One door to freedom
Equipped with a thousand set of keys
Some one I'm begging you to help me please
Crawling to you upon bloody and bruised knee's

I see something move
I hope that its you
I hope that you have finally come to hold me in your arms
To my dismay it was nothing but a passing shadow
And once again I realise I am alone
I realise I’m alone with broken wings
A lost and lonely heart that begs to be loved

I don't ask much
But I beg that you hold me in your arms
Show me the affection that you once did
Kiss me tenderly and tell me that everything'll be alright
Remember how you use to stay awake to watch me sleep
To whisper little things in my ear for me to keep
And I keep them close to my heart
Closer then that day, closer then that moment, closer now as the hour
draw on
And here I still stand without your once warm unbrace

Comments (1)

22 Nov 06 3:07 am

Dear Me

Dear me...
Im sorry I hide from the world
Im sorry I bottle the pain.
I'm sorry that I cut myself, in the hopes to feel again.

I'm sorry about your broken heart
I never thought love could hurt so much
I should have listend when you told me,
when you watned me to turn and run
When you first told me that falling always feels like flying
Untill you hit the ground.

You show me constant pictures of my past
and at the time I thought it'd last.
Once again I'm the hopless heart
lost in a world where no one understands

You warned me not to play with sharp things
and once upon a time my heart was soft
But now its broken into jaggered and sharp peices
And I'm forver cutting myself trying to fix it.

I'm bleeding from a wound no docter can fix
Im broken and yet I still force myself to move.
I'm damaged and yet I still force myself to smile
And for a while I fool myself that I'm ok.
For a while I fool myself that I'm not hurt.
And hat I dont cry at night
crying the silant tears that no will will ever see.

I know you told me not to think like this
But I've broken into tiney enough peices
I'd be like a broken toy that no one would miss
soon to be replaced by a bigger and better toy
soon to be forgotten

Let me ask you a question, a simple one as this
How long do I have to smile this smile and act like I'm fine
before the pain ends and I dissapear.

Comments (1)

17 May 06 5:14 am

Forget Me

Forget me to you I’m worthless
don’t act like you care
Remind yourself time again that you'll never be there
And I’ll act like I didn’t she a tear.

Turn your back on me now and don’t say good-bye
for what I thought was something
was truly a lie

You didnt mean what you did nor all those things you said
I see that now, no longer blinded or hopelessly misled.
Forget me now just walk away
convince yourself for just one more day
that you never led my feelings astray.

05 Feb 06 1:13 pm

Im Sorry...

Im sorry for every move I made
Im sorry for every breath I take
Im sorry for the way I made you cry
Some times you must have wished that I would die
Im sorry for the time I screamed
For saying all those things I didn't mean

Can you hear me
Im screaming a sorry excuse
Can you hear me im screaming
For all those years, theres no use.

Im sorry for all those years I ever brought you down
I always thought that maybe you'd come around
Im sorry for all those times I made you cry
Watching the tears fall made me wanna die

Can you hear me
Im screaming a sorry excuse,
Can you hear me im screaming
For all those years, theres no use.

Im sorry for all those times I let you down
I hate myself for the fact I was never around
Im sorry I left you crying on the floor
When I should have been there to help you through it all

Can you hear me
Im screaming a sorry excuse,
Can you hear me im screaming
For all those years, theres no use.


I should have been there I know that now
But its to late for all that now
Your gone and theres nothing I can say
To make this self hate and blame go away
Nothing I can say to bring you back
I should have stoped, I should have turned back

I feel like it shouldn't have been this way
Im crying here now cant you see
I didn't mean it you were part of me
The best part, the only part I'd ever need
I look at your grave now and I wonder
I wonder if your out there can you hear me,
I know its to late now coz your gone
But I need you to hear me now
As I say these words, and look upon your lonely grave
I say these words and hope that if you're out there you could hear me

Im sorry.

Comments (1)

29 Jan 06 1:45 pm

broken

The china doll,
distant, vacant eyes,
fragile porcelaine skin,
nothing but an empty shell,
it's not her fault that she cant love,
it's not her fault there is no warmth within

the fragile girl,
too scarred to love,
all she wants is to be held without being broken,
for someone to hold,
as precious and fragile as her,
who knows what its like to see the beauty through the pain,

she could be the beautiful mistake,
the poison ivy in your veins,
the barbed wire around your heart,
the one to give life and warmth to your fragile china shell,
or the love worn, tired and rejected ragdoll.

she could be the broken china under your feet,
tearing you apart everytime you try to leave,
or she could be the reason you wake each day,
the beauty lying beside you at night....
it all depends on how you handle her.

Look into my eyes.
Who is it you see?

I'm mearly a reflection of yourself,
and the person you promised you'd never be.

20 Oct 05 11:27 am

The beautiful mistake

She didn't ask for this to happen,
She cannot help the way she is,
She cannot change who she's become,
She cannot go back to who she was.

It's not her fault if it's became harder,
to love the thing that she created,
to draw breath in your mourning,
knowing when you wake, choking on your tears,
there wont be anyone there to chase away the pain, and wipe away the tears.

You've no-one to blame but yourself,
You spend your life rejecting peoples affections,
then expect them to be there, just because you need them.

She cant be blamed,
for the way that life has changed her.

She cannot help the way the gods made her.


She had no say in the matter,
A decision made to late,
A life-time of punishment,
For becoming the beautiful mistake,
You could have ended it all before it began,
And yet you didn't.

She's become yet another mistake,
You thought it wrong to take her life,
But not to let her know you punish her for your never-ending fall from grace.

A less then perfect cycle,
the mortal coil.

Your dying from the inside out,
every breath exhaled,
takes with it a piece of your soul.

Dying from the drawing of your first breath,
And dragging her down with you-how can you claim to still love,
and do this to another?

Murder what was once a perfect & peaceful soul.

© Benign_Masochist

05 Sep 05 11:56 am

The China doll.

Slowly, steadily, I am breaking.
From the inside out.

It all started with a few little cracks,
which no-one paid enough attention to notice.

No-one noticed, so no-one helped,
seems no-one cared enough to open their eyes.

Now the cracks and quirks are beyond restraint.
That which I once controled, now controls me.

What was once tolerable, repairable,
is now begining to grow,
marring & scarring this delicate porcelaine skin.

Working its way through my entire body,
just like the poison corsing through my veins.

Now more than just the cracks are showing.

What you see before you is no accident,
An object of abstract beauty,
true value,
lying broken & in pieces upon the floor.

No accident, but none the less,
you should pay more attention,
look at what you see before your eyes,
for long enough to SEE.

Pay attention & be careful,
for I'd hate for you to be cut by the broken shell,
of the pretty, fragile thing,
which once was me.

Beautiful & inspiring when whole.
Damned & discarded when broken.

The fragile beauty,
The wilted rose,
The blood doubed thorn,
The broken china doll,

There is beauty in all,
regardless of how many or few choose to see it,
therefore all posses souls,
and all can feel.

© Benign_Masochist

05 Sep 05 11:45 am

Ragdoll

We've been through the same,
You and I.

Both of us just lie there,
with our battererd and torn bodies,
and our blank, staring eyes.

To some we are unnerving-
but there are a few who can see
our hidden beauty,
hidden depths,
beneath the surface.

There are those who just listen-
like you & I.
Then there are those who just talk.

If you take the time to look,
there is beauty to be found everywhere,
in everything,
even the faded, battered,
love worn objects of affection.
Such as us.

© Benign_Masochist

01 Sep 05 2:34 pm

OxyMoron

Why is it everything I do, turns out wrong
Everything I say, you'll take the wrong way.

Give you the lyrics, and you'd still be singing the wrong song.
I'm not out of tune, it's you who isn't listening.

How does it feel, to let your feelings take control?
I'd love to be able to have a break down too,
but to many love me, to many rely on me,
and so my right to tears has been revoked.

Now I lie in bed alone at night, needing the release
and the tears wont come.....so what else is there?

I suppose there's always the knife, the blades, or the mirror....
perhaps even those sharp kitchen scissors
but then how would I explain it the next day?....it cant always be the cats
and I gotta start taking responsability at some point.

The girl with all the answers, everybodys pillar,
who cant even help or save herself.

I could find a way to end it all...the dispare, the self-loathing, the futility
of it all.
But that would make me a hypocrite, and no better than you.

So instead I just lie here and stare at the wall.
Not quite living, and not quite dead.
Trying to make sense of it all, and find something to give me a glimmer
of hope.

So if you wouldn't mind,
get out of my head,
stop reading me wrong.

I wish to be alone.

Supported & strong.
Broken & alone.

© Benign_Masochist

11 Aug 05 4:40 am

Invisible

Crimson rivers shower down upon my broken and tattured soul
It drowns me in its overwhelming pain\here I find myself bound
Bound by forces greater then Heaven and Hell

I bier wounds deep within me, deeper then crimson rain can wash away
this awful pain, these taunting memories and thoughts
To deep for the crimson rain to seep into the wounds of my broken soul

Yet I sit, I wait I hope, I hate
I support the ones I love yet hide my pain
Tell me some one is this my fate to sit and watch myself break again?

Support I give
Support they take
I thought you cared
My mistake

They flock to me, a many a few
They need my help
To stop feeling blue

Yet I sit here and wonder how long before I break
Before I crumble
Before I disappear
I wonder if they would notice
If they would even care

Many are oblivious to my destruction
I often wish I was as invisible as they make me feel
So I could disappear and become nothing, not even a memory, barely a
foot print in the sands of history

What drives me to see tomorrow, what makes me wake up in the
morning and force my eyes open when I can still feel the tears from
screaming into my pillow welling in my eyes
What makes me put on my fake smile and act like its ok, that I’m not
breaking inside

The last of the once loyal friends, the family the people I love, the
people who never walked away from me when I needed them, the
people that didn’t turn and run when I screamed, the people who didn’t
turn a blind eye when I sat with thoughts of suicide racing through my
head like blood through my veins

I’ll never turn my back on them nor would I show them my hidden pain,
I’ll just sit here and hope the world will think me invisible again so I can
disappear again