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How to be TRVE KVLT

I made this entirely for satire and is based on what I've seen from black metal bands/musicians and fans.

* = things I follow
~ = things I don't follow

To be TRVE KVLT you have to be very open-minded to black metal. *
The big four is Venom, Hellhammer, Bathory and Celtic Frost. *
Only listen to black metal and bands from the 60s, 70s and 80s. ~
State that you only listen to the aforementioned. ~
If you listen to anything else make sure no one else knows about it. ~
Always claim that cold weather is the best. ~
Go on hikes.
Your only form of exercise should be going on hikes. ~
Fellow black metal musicians and fans are called brothers. *
Don’t call anyone bro… especially brah or bruh. *
Take notes from the following brothers:
- Fenriz. *
- Varg Vikernes. ~
- Euronymous. ~
- Dead. *
- Nattefrost. *
- Malefic. *
Respect Dead, Euronymous and other fallen brothers. *
Don’t listen to the following bands:
- Cradle of Filth. ~
- Dimmu Borgir. ~
- Antestor. *
- Peccatum. ~
- Sigh. *
Don’t be Dani Filth or Shagrath. *
When someone asks what bands you listen to don’t mention the following:
- Mayhem. *
- Burzum. *
- Darkthrone. ~
- Immortal. *
- Emperor. *
- Gorgoroth. *
Instead, mention bands that they probably haven’t heard of. *
All albums released by Mayhem after “Out from the Dark” suck.
Respect Darkthrone despite all their changes, they’ve stayed true to the underground and 80s metal. *
Listen to at least 3 national socialist black metal bands.
Never listen to any kind of “core” music… especially deathcore. *
Never listen to nu metal. ~
Ignorance is bliss. *
Ignorant people should not bother you. *
Ignore the fact that any genre of music unrelated to rock and metal exists. ~
If you don’t follow the previous rule, spread the hate towards “core” bands.
Nothing should scare, offend, shock or disgust you. *
Remind yourself that you hate humanity regardless of intelligence.
Also remind yourself that you’re human. *
Never look happy. ~
Grin at funerals. ~
Don’t go to parties. ~
Don’t go to weddings. ~
Don’t go to shows. ~
If you must go to a show do the following:
- Make sure people notice you. *
- Pretend you want absolutely nothing to do with anyone who notices you. *
- No stage diving. *
- No crowd surfing. *
- No moshing. ~
- No head banging. ~
- Don’t talk to anyone. *
- Stand around with your arms crossed looking grim. *
No kids. *
No marriage *
Love is overrated. ~
Don’t excuse yourself when you burp or fart. *
Eat bacon. *
Eat barbeque cooking. *
Don’t be vegan.
Don’t be vegetarian.
Don’t be any type of activist.
Don’t make fun of vegans and vegetarians. *
Respect vegans and vegetarians as they can resist eating delicious food. *
However, eat meat tauntingly around vegans, vegetarians and animal activists.
If you’re into BDSM make sure no one else knows about it.
Burn down a church and make it traceable to someone else.
Never kill anyone unless it’s in self-defense with a knife.
Cloaks are kvlt.
Naked female bodies are kvlt.
Naked female bodies with the head of a goat are kvlt.
Fire breathing is kvlt.
Skulls are kvlt.
Natural hair color is kvlt… unless it’s orange or red.
The following creatures are kvlt:
- Wolves.
- Goats.
- Bats.
- Snakes.
- Spider.
- Crows.
- Ravens.
- Worms.
- Rats.
- Scorpions.
Learn Norwegian. *
Never start a band with more than one member. *
Be part of at least one other band. *
Make sure the bands you're in are the only black metal bands in your city.
If not, make sure you’re part of every other black metal band in your city.
Never use Fender instruments… or any kind of instrument that resembles a Fender. *
If you ever use a Fender instrument destroy it in front of an audience.
Fender amplification is ok.
Your album cover can only be black and white.
Make sure your albums get banned somewhere.
If you’re on vocals play an instrument as well. *
Start a song with a scream or a grunt.
Never use the inhaling technique. *
Don’t use falsetto vocals. ~
Never cup the mic. *
Clean vocals/spoken are only for the beginning, middle or end of a song. *
The same rule applies for clean guitars. *
Create a fictional kingdom and write songs about it.
Sing about forests, mountains, winter and hell.
If you’re not from Scandinavia sing about Scandinavia.
If you’re from Scandinavia, sing about Transylvania.
Not all songs have be blasphemous. *
At least 1/8 of your songs should be instrumental, clean or without drums.
Have at least 3 cheesy song or album titles using the following words:
- Satan/satanic.
- Demon/demonic.
- Dark/darkness.
- Black/blackness.
- Necro.
- Kill.
- Funeral.
- Death.
- Evil.
- Unholy.
- Hell.
No more than 2 guitar solos per album. *
The bass must be distorted or barely audible. ~
No tunings lower than C#. ~
No drop tunings. *
No female vocals… unless they’re spoken at the beginning or end of a song. *
No keyboards or synthesizers… unless it’s for ambiance.
If you’re in prison record an album or two.
Keyboards and synthesizers are only okay if you’re in prison.
Never release your albums on time.
If you decide to move to another genre it must be of the following:
- Folk metal.
- Viking metal.
- Death metal.
- Doom metal.
- Thrash.
- (Crust) punk.
- Dark ambient.
Blackened death metal is not an option. *
Make sure that you’re more insane than the rest of your band.
To ensure insanity spend 75% of your time in solitude.
In the rare case that you have a girlfriend she cannot be part of your band’s music.
The only things your girlfriend is allowed to do with your band are as follows:
- Promote your band.
- Sell your merch.
- Help setup your stage props.
- Be crucified on stage.
If you have any talents unrelated to music don’t talk about them. ~
Don’t ever be desperate for any kind of attention for your band. *
Don’t sell out.
Don’t ever take part in a popularity contest… or any contest in general. *
Don’t play live. ~
Should you ever play live do as many of the following as possible:
- Don’t pay to play.
- Don’t tour.
- If you must tour, don’t play outside of your home continent.
- Drench yourself in blood.
- Have at least one person crucified on stage naked.
- Have goat and pig heads on stakes on stage.
- Breathe fire at some point during your show. *
- Have at least 2 torches on stage.
- When announcing your songs make sure no one understands you. *
- Make sure no one understand you in general.
- Only black and white lights should be flashing.
- Don’t interact with the audience. ~
- Record your live show and release it as an album.
Record a documentary of your band and never release it.
Don't be racist, hate everyone.
Don’t make jokes. ~
Don’t over explain anything. *
Don’t explain yourself. *
Don’t accept interviews.
If you must accept an interview make sure of the following:
- Talk with a Scandinavian accent.
- Be drunk.
- Act you’re not enjoying the interview.
- Curse a lot.
Don’t talk about religion outside of your music. *
Don’t be cryptic or “deep” outside of your music. *
Even if you don’t give a fuck, don’t ever say, “I don’t give a fuck”. *
Make sure everyone gets the impression that you’re asexual. *
Make sure your fans have no way of contacting you. ~
Make sure your fans know nothing about your personal life. *
If you see someone taking a picture of you do one of the following:
- A skyward scream.
- Give them the finger.
- Look grim. *
- Scowl with your eyes downturned. *
Wear only black. *
The only other colors you can wear are as follows:
- Blue or grey jeans… preferably with holes in them.
- Grey cargo pants.
- Woodland or urban camo pants.
Wear the following:
- Corpse paint.
- Boots… combat boots especially. *
- Bullet belts. *
- Gauntlets with nails. *
- Gauntlets with spikes. *
- Leather. *
Never wear any of the following:
- Makeup. *
- Masks. *
- Studs. *
- Fur. *
- Suits. *
- V-necks. *
- Tight shirts. *
- Skinny jeans. *
- Shorts. ~
- Gold. *
- Shutter shades. *
- Belts with bullets on them. *
- Toms. *
- Bright colors. *
- Fishnets*
- Platform boots. *
- Hats or any head gear. ~
- Colored contacts. *
- Nail polish/varnish. *
The only person who can wear a mask is Enzifer of Urgehal.
Don’t let anyone catch you wearing anything you'd find ridiculous. *
Don’t wear anything you'd find ridiculous. *
If you do wear anything ridiculous make sure you’re getting paid.
You must either have long hair or be bald. *
If you must cut your hair shave the sides of your head. *
Your hair must be either parted down the middle or combed back. *
Never shave yourself from the neck down. ~
Don’t dye your hair. *
If you must dye your hair dye it black.
Don’t curl your hair. *
Don’t straighten your hair. *
Never shop at Hot Topic. *
Never walk into Hot Topic. *
Just because Hot Topic sells black metal shirts doesn’t mean you should shop there.
Don’t do photo shoots.
If you must do photo shoots they must be in the following areas:
- Forests.
- Mountains.
- Castles.
- Abandoned and torn buildings.
- In the middle of nowhere.
Don’t wear your own band shirts to a photo shoot.
Don’t shoot music videos.
If you must do music videos make sure of the following:
- Prance around in a forest or in the mountains.
- Wear the proper attire.
- There’s fire… and fire breathing.
- There are rituals.
- There’s blood.
- There are swords and axes.
Goths are not your friends.
Don’t be a hipster. *
Relentlessly make fun of hipsters.
Tell goths and hipsters “You’re all norms, you just know it.” *
Don’t argue with anyone, their opinions should not matter to you. *
Don’t geek out over anything. *
Don’t use smilies. *
Never use “lol” or any other form of it. ~
Never use the word “cute” unless you’re being sarcastic. *
If you’re going to mutilate yourself make sure it’s on stage.
If you’re going to commit suicide make sure it’s very morbid.
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