14 Oct 07 7:47 pm
I LOOKED DOWN
No pure is not out there
I ain't gonna look
I never had it backwards
give me my keys
I want my denim jacket back
my knapsack too
hands free fight in the streets
I want to be nobody again
no fake fights
I want someone who doesn't know I can kill them with one
punch

I want to strike my father down
this game is insane
maybe I already did floor him
no I am not a lefty
I am not righty
I am right and tired
I don't know what
I've done for you or a future me
I want my past restored
the way I used to think
before I was brainwashed into thinking I was brainwashed
and then brainwashed to think I was not brainwashed
who the fuck am I
the devil or demons don't stand a chance
I always had a conscience
I don't need programming
I want my past restored the
way I used to think life to be or was
I don't want to be innocent
I want MY demons back
not the world mind fuck style
I just don't want to know that when I was innocent
I was being raped then too
That is the innocence I want back
I don't want to see a page a list of characters
that I am in a play as a star &
an ass made of.

Take your chip out of my head and you are free
I want the birds to stop their sign language
I'll let that spider crawl into my mouth
stop the reverse reverse psychology
why do you make me chade a tail I don't even possess?

If I am an animal then mount me stuff me
taxedermy
bag me or leave me alone
In all this freedom I am not Janis Joplin free
I have no discipline no disciples
I can't do what I am supposed to
do I do what I want I am not.

Yeah so what before I died I looked at underage girls?
I was ugly, very ugly. they were beautiful
they brought me back to life
fuck you
I don't feel guilty for the homophobic fear of jail for me to walk the streets
for 22 years not looking down ignoring girls because I didn't want anal cell mate
so when I looked down, for all my life having ignored them, not a word to them
they end up stupid and aimless and can't relate to men that make it
and then all life is fake because they make some dumb rules.
I don't feel guilty about that at all
they had clothes on
fantasy and reality are not the same
I would not touch them do them wrong
I am a teacher
once I was drunk I called up a student in my class
who taught my stretching class better than me
I had her number because she was sick and I was bringing her her schoolwork
and Tamara stood me up again
so I fucken called her
sue me
she was hot in electric blue spandex shorts
she treated me like shit and made me feel guilty
It was some high form of respect
ow her younger than me knew my work better than I did?
I was amazed by her stature in her small frame
16
sue me
that was not why they let go of me as a teacher
I was drunk
I was stood up again
I was young dumb and hung
stood up again
I was beautiful
I have had a girlfriend for a week in my life
you do the math
2096 weeks of being single
1 week of being with somebody
divide that Einstein...
0.0000477 %

of the time I had a girl friend
so when I died from fisting myself from being alone
I looked down because I was about to die
and go blind.
I looked down.
I was in outerspace.
I looked down.

I never knew Heidi as an adult
and I fantasize about her only as I knew her
as a kid girl whom I loved
yes I have loved
I have loved 16 year olds when I was 18
that is wrong too eh?
hmmmmph

I look down upon life.

This is not life.

I don't feel guilty
I am not going to hide how lost I was
when I didn't know how to read my palms
or see the writing on the walls
I wanted to die
this is not life
this is not catharsis

I remember Heidi in hot Jordache jeans
there is nothing wrong with that
I was her age
she blossomed before me
and she left me because I was just a boy
she used to make out with a stud in Homeroom
she never sat down in class
I had to watch the muscular boy make out with her in the doorway
because the teacher didn't let her stray in the hall
I loved her
I love her
I will always love her
she made me a man
the toughest man there is
to go without to to ultimately have
if you have the patience
but I have lost patience
this game is cyclical, circular

I can't fuck her because my dick doesn't time travel.

_________________
sublimate the subliminal
Nothing like a fresh-tuned guitar

Vampariah opera vid Vampariah
http://newyorkcityopera.bitmove.tv/bitmove/cgi/receive.jsp?uid=2E71E1C886ED654BB8D1138536F9FE1D&format=wmv