I"m not good at writing in my journals online when it comes to speaking my mind. I can talk about my band and my book I've been writing but what the fuck is that? that's only so far ideas after ideas that I"ve been working at. and tonight I've had a streak of creativity with the guitar riffs when coming up with shit. but I don't think jon wants to stick around with the band. but I don't know. that'd be up to him if he wants to go. everyone's free to go as they want. not everyone's able to come into it though. I think brittany is trying to make me jealous. but why should I grow jealous over something I didn't want back in the first place. but everything goes wrong because it's either I don't care about much anymore, or there's nothing really left to care about anymore. the more I think the more depressing the thoughts, and I fucking hate it. but every other day I get a strain of crazy morbid thoughts which make me question why I was released from the hospital. ehh. whatever. I want a new girlfriend because then I can get my mind off of alot of shit, and I know pot will help me forget, but ya know, I need a way that will help me forget and won't fuck up my chances to getting a fucking job. like a new girlfriend or something. or I need my band to stop fucking falling apart on me and members stop leaving. it's not going to get anywhere if that keeps happening.