I don't know anymore. I just saw Repulsion with Catherine Deneuve, done by Roman POlanski.

In the beginning her eyes don't blink and you know she was formed by god, one of us done right, made careful, and then she was raped when she was young, and it comes clear through the movie thaqt that is what it is.

But we don't know this in the beginning. We see her being romanced by a sharp Englishman, where she has run from Brussels to get a way from family which has painted her red door black, and she is "a virgin". I watch her with all my goose pimples, in joy like tha woman I watched when I was in love, to have that vision revoked and then to see this perfection intimately like the camera is not there. To feel a sensual attraction for the girl, to just be in wonder as she walked the streets, to almosy not want to blink, and then her life starts to fall apart, her sister goes on a trip, and she just can't make it on her own. Thhis big 1960's blonde big hair woman living in utmist fear, hating men, and hearing all the horror stories from the girls in her life, how men treat women wrong. And she kills two men, one who tries to save her and then the landlord who tries to make some moves on her. But she is a canidate for electroshock therapy, and yet when you look at her she is beyond perfect, you've heard the name, and now you see the face, and she plays the part so well, almost unconcious thtrough it, and then I just feel so sad, because we all have come from rape, or molestation, and this is the result, perfect specimens that have no place in life. I am not talking about the metaphor of the gene machine for evolution, destroying perfect men to make them super human sperm donors, no, I did feel that. I mean Tamara and I embraced each other because everyone in our lives men women, wanted to have sex with us, and we just reached out for each other to get that sexual healing Marvin Gaye talked about, and it was so innocent, because life is not about sex, not for me, and not for her.

I know the one demon, the demon of raping kids that throws the whole rest of the world out of whack, I know how protected I was from all of this and how life the parade that it is, it all gets revealed, and you are like, oh so that is why I am not allowed to live because someone didn't touch her right. And then I become this nothing that can dance better than the devil, and yet not one woman ever tried to come and dance with me, as I am in bondage to my own body.

Tamara said she was asexual, me, I have had to be, and...

good and evil?

Well, because of evil there is no good. I can attest to that. Tamara and I simply were not were. We were loving on a god level. I never made love to her, life had to be about soul love, and then there was no consummation. Yes we were requited, for sure, even though she never gave me her body to be mine.

So life is not anyway shape or form the way it could be or should be. And you have people that everyone wants to be, and to tell you the truth it is far better to be average and to have, than to be a sex symbol and reside in a gilded cage.

And now I am to be reborn, the money I am to make, and I have one woman, and I am supposed to know what the fuck to do with her in heaven? All I know is hell, my tastes reflect that, but, on another level I do do good, and I know that song by heart and when I sing it I don't have to breathe, because I have been holding my breath all my life hoping life would arrive

even though there is no reason to expect this heaven from waking up from out of these duldrums.

If I am the American dream, it has been more of nerve endings afraid to feel, in fear of being touched inappropriately, and trying to hav emore scars on my fists than on my face.

I have every reason to be hopeful and have prospects, and yet, I was like really sad the other day, for a couple of days, really like not wanting any of it. I needed that cigarette to bring me to life, and it did. I am not going to shock you, I am not going to rewrite amazing shit to knock you out and floor ya. I know what I have felt, I have felt tenfold what I have writ to make me value the things I have observed, and man, evil just makes life space and emptiness, it is no wonder, the ills of society make us estranged and aliens in the form of the word that I know it to be.

We all come from better places and are marooned in some fuct reality, where even a Prince like me with prospects has no desire to fake any part in life I am to play. When I meet a girl I want to be with, to love a woman for her quirks, to try to heal her with myself, to suck all the evil out of her, making me good, shit, maybe it can work, and I need her to be fixed, I need her to be broke, I need to use my ingenuity to make her believe in herself in life and me to do it together, bring life into this world as it should be.