I always had trouble unleashing the beast in me, being a gentleman, role model. The only time I would have sex is if it was purely a sexual relationship. Then there is no talk needed to get into bed. I don't understand that talk with a woman I respect, I can't just be an animal when love is present, love at that point is in the mind.

But I could have done it, it is just when the girlfriend wants distance then that shuts me off. Her body has to be a playground, and all bets are off if I am in some kind of psychological bondage. I just haven't found love that often, twice, when I was a child and then as an adult. She basically took my dick away from me. There was a time it was for her and I could have channeled it for her purposes, but she needed something more. So it ended up being platonic, but then she would after years of orbiting each other, she would want me to do her, but that part of me was long gone. Taking it slow can be a bad thing. Water has to be hot just ready to boil at all times. And then the older I got the kinkier I got which also works to distance the man from expressing his manhood. I would be ashamed for my desires, or needs. I say this, that I would basically need a dominatrix for a girlfriend, hopefully in the end we could share each other, because I found the more dominant a woman is the more submissive she can be, and just needs to be taken.

I write this in response to your statement that you feel Ace knows what you like and reads your needs. My mind drifted from my animal, they were conflicting. But it was circumstance, the rate of conquest of her was too slow, even when I knew we would always love each other, I still didn't feel safe with her sexually. The AIDS thing. She was not mine, for a brief moment she was mine, and we froze together in a room like mannequins unable to breech beyond our soulmate connection. A flash happened and the memory of the power of that moment carried us thru till this present day.

There was something about the strength of her soul power, and it filled me up to make me a better man, to make the devil curious of my minds eye, he jumped inside when she did, and then anyone could tag along for the ride, to see if I would think of her when and where again would I think of her, because it was such powerful and real love. First it was her that reached me when I was alone, and I could understand her when she was hundreds of miles away, her space and my space were folded together sharing a same dimension of thought attraction, like two storms racing towards each other. And once space was folded, the devil too and his minions, and even God followed me, sad I was alone. The miracle that we were bonded so well, and in contact when we were star crossed divided, and we became one, somehow, without ever even haven made love. A decade of drifting, and then as it seems every day, the world or something follows me, sad like a horse with a broken leg, these spirits provide for me miracles to entertain me, but she is gone, the mannequin connection, the fascination became old hat, and others make the miracles.

Is it you? No it is not Tamara, and a guessing game commences where I finally figure out what spirit is making the leaves rustle to the sound of dead love. It feels the whole world can read my mind, though this is not possible, the rain and every bit of nature is attuned to somehow communicating to me that life is beautiful and stay around for us, but I never am able to share this miracle meant for four eyes because I am alone in the togetherness, the union of my empty smoke filled heart in this supernal world.