I self medicate myself with the zyprexa, when I need sleep.

I have never hallucinated. I was however delusional, and my temper was short when they first put me on injections. I have this powerful voice and I would just lay it on transgressors righteously. So since then I have gotten over the delusions, not everything is about me, and I used to get angry, like there was a conspiracy when something would go wrong, but shit just happens, and you can't take it personal. The delusional bit leads to the outbursts, thinking it is about you, taking it personal and then reacting too harshly. So with those two under control I believe I am completely normal now. The friends of mine at the bar want to circulate a petition stating as much, and they remember when I was crazy, so they know I am doing better. I mean I am not saying that I am not mentally ill, everyone is, but I am not schitzophrenic. The first diagnosis was that I wasn't schitzo but they predicted I would be, but they didn't know in what form it would rear it's ugly head.

My mental illnesses are basically not believing in the system, getting a job ( and putting all my eggs into one basket ) why work when if I left home my dad's art collection could be burnt down? I don't have to work, but I just don't trust bosses. I was hurt very badly by a boss once and when I returned to teaching 2 years later with hope in my heart they played the same game on me. If life is a game then we all lose, especially if we lose the best teachers, the ones who care the most and have the efficacy to execute instruction in unforgettable meaningful ways.

I also don't believe in love. I don't think it was a coincidence that my girl was skittish, I think the fear of love is warranted. I can't take the emotional rollercoaster ride of love any more, it drove me crazy, with my stake in happiness buried in between her legs. So basically I don't believe in life, which is a mental illness, even though I keep it real and represent - puffing up other peoples' ideality. No one can make me believe in life, but I can make them believe which is why I am so loved. I guess I am just jaded, which happens to the best of us in time.