So just casually sitting on facebook,
spamming EVERY page i like..
aaaand nobody's replied.
Cheers guys,
it's not like we're trying to bloody help people. :G

Well hello blog.
I'm just gonna write shit that makes NO sense.
French, i'm fucked. and i REALLY wanted to stay with Rhiannon on tuesday.
Ike likes Aaron, which is shit for him cause even if Aaron WAS gay, it wouldn't happen. And it's confusing Ike because theres all this physical stuff happening and then Aaron get's depressed again, with the shouting at himself, and thinking he's crazy.
i know what Ookie is getting me for christmas, which isn't itself a bad thing. but i have to get her something of equal value (even if it's just a personal value not a money value) BUT, i have NO idea.. because the stole the BEST idea.. unless.. i get her the same thing.. but where the fuck i am i gonan find a teapot?!
I threw up earlier.. i made myself..
not for attention, because nobody reads my blogs and even if they do they just misquote them or take the piss so whatever..
but i always thought making yourself throw up would make you depressed? and you just hid it..
but it made me feel kinda proud that i'd managed cause of my shitty gag reflex..
anyway.. i'm gonna go..

So a couple of friends and i decided we were sick of the whole Amanda Todd bandwagon, i made a facebook page and we kinda forgot about it. UNTILL, around a week ago, when we started posting and got more likes. We want people to see that there are people who care about them, that sometimes they AREN'T the only person who feels a little bit crazy, a little bit judged. I'm not trying to push this on anyone, and i'll probably get flamed or whatever, but ima just leave this here so you can go and check us out. All i ask is that if you do like us, you share with your friends. We aren't after popularity, but the more people we can reach out to and comfort the better. Much appreciated, from all of us. Listen To The Living, Not The Dead

Starting to spam GG with my blogs, but i've realised that they help me vent. Without the drama of EVERYONE going "omgzz sakkee babes u owkaai?" ..because, i'm not after attention. It seems it, but i just want to put my problems where people can see them, so i'm not bottling things up.
So, i've been randomly bursting into tears lately.
Which makes me sound like a 4 year old.
There's just too many things going wrong right now..
Ugh

i really like this song.. ..yeaaah..

Parents and my little brother have gone into town to see Santa, so i stayed at home.
And ima watch brave, and eat gummy bears.. and it shall be a good time alone.
Although i really miss marley, i don't know how i'm meant to deal with things when he's gone into the army..
I feel so bad when i hope he doesn't get in.. but i also WANT him to go because of how much it means to him..
Also, getting pretty sick of my blogs being misquoted.
Yeah, i noticed you doing that.
Meh, gonna go decapitate multicoloured bears.
Woo.

Getting pretty sick of you going offline whenever i say hi, as if i won't notice,
Getting sick of YOU ignoring me for the prettier girls,
I'm tired of people being horrible when i do nothing wrong..
Yes it's the internet, and normally i just brush stuff off,
but there is a point where i'm struggling to keep myself up and someone constantly trying to knock me down isn't helping.
I honestly think i'll cry myself to sleep tonight..
and nobody's even going to say goodnight to me.

Well, my actual DAY wasn't brilliant, saw some friends, smoked a decent amount, went to the library.. pretty good..
but, the last couple of hours, have been wonderfull.
I got a hug off my little brother, because he was cheeky to me and came to say sorry and gave me a kiss & cuddle, which is a big thing cause usually when i come home he's all moody with me for ages.
I had chinese chicken curry for dinner.
My parents bought me GUMMY BEARS!!
And i found a load of cards/letters/photos my dad sent me a couple of years ago, and i burnt them, along with a rose my ex bf got me in october last year. And it felt damn good watching it all burn.

I feel so shit, all the time.
This guy i cared about decided to stop talking to me cause i was WAY to full on.. which i understand.. but i miss him..
started caring about someone else so i toned it down.. but now HE doesn't want to know me..
my friend has decided he has better things to do than talk to me anymore.. some fucking friend tom.. thank you..
my phone bill hasnt been paid.. so im cut off.. i can talk to marley at night but im used to having him during the day.. it's really hard going from 6am to 7pm without him. :'(
i don't know how to deal with all this rejection..
i'm used to a few or a couple of people caring..
but right now NOBODY does apart from marley.. who i can't talk to..
i just don't know how to cope.

This is my first proper blog, i'm not counting the other one..
So i started to self harm around 10/11.. still have my oldest scar..
and lately it's been bugging me, telling me to do it again..
i've stopped, i don't want to.. but i'm having a bit of a breakdown and everytime i rely on someone or trust someone they ditch me, abandon me, boot me away.
Everyone assumes i'm this horrible person,
and i'm actually not.. i'm a decent person, but everyone treats me like shit and then judges on my reaction.
I've had sex with one person. Not the once, but yes, one person.
I broke up with him just over a month ago.. and we dated for a year and a half.
I still don't know if he cheated or not, he always said he did.. just to hurt me.
Then changed his mind later.
I got called a fat disgusting whore, told to go die in a fire, called stupid, bitch, he said he hated me..
No it isn't physical abuse but to say that to someone who has been physically and emotionally abused before, it fucking kills it really does.
And having depression is not an excuse when you don't take your fucking pills.
School is stressing me the fuck out, people are stressing me the fuck out,
i hate everything. i hate everyone.
i just want to die..
i know that sounds pathetic, but i do.
I'm past trying to kill myself, i have a little brother to raise.
But if the ground could just eat me up i'd fucking beg it to.
I'm tired of talking to people on a computer.. i wish my real life friends knew how i felt.. like, REALLY knew..
but they won't.. i can't ever tell them it's gotten this bad.
FML.