_n3kr0m4nc3r_'s Blog


I have already met three babybats who died the exact same day I met them recently, and so many people I grew up with have gotten killed, and reality hurts so much that I have to disassociate from it to cope and I don’t have access to any vices that would also mitigate the pain. Ever since I finally left the abusive relationship I was subject to since grade school, I have only been subject to even more abuse, and it has taken a major toll on the remnants of my already deteriorating psychological health. People are so hateful, unethical, and exploitative; and those kind of people are much less of a minority than I have once assumed, due to my ignorance. And this one babybat I saw committed suicide weeks after I saw him, and he was only 13 when it has happened. The ones I met who died the exact same day I met them were 17, 15, and 15; respectively. Today I saw a car smattered with a variety of highly opinionated bumper stickers, one which said “I Support The LGBFJB+ Community” with a Thin Blue Line flag flying with a “Trump 2024” flag flying on two of the car’s corners, and this car was in my neighborhood. The last neighborhood I lived in (before I moved to an apartment, before I moved to the neighborhood I currently live in), a lesbian couple was killed by some people who lived nearby in the exact same neighborhood. The first girl and the third girl I met who got killed the exact day I saw them alive were both murdered by their parents for liking girls. While I cast a protection spell on a Chinese mother and her two daughters, her husband would have killed them all if it weren’t for my spell. I cast a protection spell on someone I knew from grade 9 who would have been subject to dying from a hate crime. And Nina was killed by her mother for being a lesbian because my grandma’s missionary friend is in the Ku Klux Klan, and she ministered to Nina’s parents. It hurts so fucking much, and it makes sense why she never called Nina’s brother “Yanni” instead of “John” when Nina was born in Greece. When I was forced to stay at the library late at night while it was closing so I would be forced to wait alone outside in the dark while my grandma’s missionary friend was shopping at Lowe’s Foods, I managed to get a ride from someone, just to realize she got killed by said missionary the very next day. I learned from a lot of my childhood friends about the prevalence and pervasion of fraternicide and sororicide, along with infanticide. I have no refuge from this, and I refuse to deny the reality that hurts us.

☥ 𝔇𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡 ☥

I thought I missed the past, but what I really missed were certain aspects of the past that did not compose the majority of it.
What I really miss are:
❧ sincerity
❧ authenticity
❧ creative expression
❧ innovation
❧ nonconformity
❧ independent media
All these things still exist, but they are harder to find now than they were back then.

𝔄𝔩𝔩 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤𝔰 ℑ 𝔪𝔬𝔲𝔯𝔫 𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔭𝔞𝔰𝔱 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔣𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡 𝔟𝔢𝔶𝔬𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔠𝔲𝔯𝔱𝔞𝔦𝔫, 𝔬𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔒𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔯 𝔖𝔦𝔡𝔢, 𝔦𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 ℜ𝔢𝔞𝔩𝔪 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡. ☥

𝔗𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔦𝔯 𝔬𝔴𝔫 𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔦𝔳𝔦𝔡𝔲𝔞𝔩 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔰, 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔦𝔯 𝔬𝔴𝔫 𝔟𝔢𝔞𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔣𝔲𝔩 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔭𝔢𝔠𝔱𝔦𝔳𝔢𝔰.

ℑ 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔫𝔬 𝔡𝔢𝔰𝔦𝔯𝔢 𝔱𝔬 𝔡𝔦𝔢, 𝔟𝔲𝔱 𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔪𝔲𝔫𝔦𝔠𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡 𝔥𝔞𝔰 𝔪𝔦𝔱𝔦𝔤𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔭𝔞𝔦𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔭𝔬𝔰𝔱𝔪𝔬𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔫 𝔥𝔢𝔤𝔢𝔪𝔬𝔫𝔦𝔠 𝔪𝔬𝔫𝔬𝔠𝔲𝔩𝔱𝔲𝔯𝔢 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔳𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔰 𝔢𝔳𝔢𝔯𝔶𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔥𝔞𝔰 𝔠𝔞𝔲𝔰𝔢𝔡 𝔪𝔢. ℑ 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔩𝔢𝔞𝔯𝔫𝔢𝔡 𝔞 𝔩𝔬𝔱 𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔦𝔯 𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔰𝔬𝔫𝔞𝔩 𝔢𝔵𝔭𝔢𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔢𝔰 𝔣𝔯𝔬𝔪 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔭𝔞𝔰𝔱. ℑ 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔠𝔬𝔪𝔢 𝔪𝔬𝔯𝔢 𝔢𝔵𝔭𝔯𝔢𝔰𝔰𝔦𝔳𝔢 𝔞𝔰 ℑ 𝔡𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔢 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔪 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔰𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔪. ℑ 𝔪𝔬𝔲𝔯𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔰𝔲𝔦𝔠𝔦𝔡𝔢𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔪𝔲𝔯𝔡𝔢𝔯𝔰 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔣𝔯𝔢𝔢-𝔰𝔭𝔦𝔯𝔦𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔦𝔳𝔦𝔡𝔲𝔞𝔩𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔬 𝔣𝔩𝔦𝔭 𝔬𝔣𝔣 𝔭𝔬𝔩𝔦𝔠𝔢 𝔠𝔞𝔯𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔶𝔢𝔩𝔩 "𝔅𝔬𝔩𝔩𝔬𝔠𝔨𝔰 𝔱𝔬 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔭𝔦𝔤𝔰!!!" 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔰𝔬 𝔭𝔞𝔰𝔰𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔩𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔡 𝔬𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔩𝔶 𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔞𝔟𝔩𝔦𝔰𝔪𝔢𝔫𝔱 𝔦𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢𝔦𝔯 𝔰𝔞𝔠𝔯𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔭𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔢𝔫𝔱 𝔩𝔦𝔟𝔢𝔯𝔞𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔠𝔬𝔩𝔬𝔯𝔰.

𝔖𝔬𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔦𝔪𝔢𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔇𝔢𝔞𝔡 𝔞𝔯𝔢 𝔟𝔢𝔱𝔱𝔢𝔯 𝔣𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔏𝔦𝔳𝔦𝔫𝔤.



I wish I could express every facet of myself but the moon is partially obscured by darkness and so am I. The darkness of hegemonic ignorance that prevents us from knowing ourselves, but also the darkness of society’s ignorance as they are conditioned to hurt what they fear out of unknowing, as ignorance births fear.

I am exhausted from depending on the light of others to live vicariously through, the way the moon is only seen in the blackened night sky because it receives its light from the sun, since it is unable to produce its OWN light. I CAN produce my OWN light, but it is concealed into obscurity, like the many faces of the moon.

I ALSO wear many faces.

I HATE hiding myself in the darkness of society’s expectations, but I do it so I can be SAFE.

I hope that one day I can open up and scatter rainbows on the walls through ALL my facets.