It's been a long time since I've had a reason to smile at my phone.

I finally figured out what stresses me out; money and having to handle it.

My job title doesn't require me to be handling money. I applied as a stock clerk, and that was the job I was given. But nope, Wednesday I had to count he money in the register I was put on for the day only to find out that I came up $20.66 over short. I mean, what the fuck? $20.66? For the rest of the day I was wondering how in the hell that happened. If anyone short changed me that day it definitely wasn't for more than 4 bucks. And tonight I had to be a witness to a cashier closing and counting the money in 4 of the registers, in addition I had to count it myself to make sure she counted it right, and 3 of them came up over short, one of which was over $10 over short which is enough to warrant a warning to whoever was working behind that register.

I stock, I store keep and I occasionally cover for a cashier for a short period of time. At the end of the week I just need my check and a "thank you for your good work." I'm not there to handle money or watch anyone handle it. I fucking hate handling money on the job, it makes me extremely uncomfortable having to handle it knowing how seriously people take that shit. If something comes up short it automatically has to be assumed that someone is stealing, and I don't steal money just knowing how much trouble I can get into for it. I like my job and I don't wanna lose it over petty shit like that.

I'm seriously on the verge of tears.

I don't mention this very often, but I was "diagnosed" with A.D.D. when I was 7, and I was put on Adderall for the next 12 years... and it benefitted me in unintended ways, but I felt it was also causing some damage to my mental health, which is why I stopped taking it, but that's besides the point. The thing is I really don't think I ever had A.D.D. because it only became a problem when I wasn't paying attention in school. My explanation for that is that I genuinely wasn't interested, and if I'm not interested in something I'm just not going to pay attention. It's not a mental disorder, I'm just stubborn. Even if I actually did have A.D.D. I never used it as an excuse for anything being that I didn't really think it was even a problem... actually I have to admit, I used it as an excuse to stay on Adderall, and I will admit that I abused that medication a few times. Jeez, I've just now realized how deceptive and manipulative I can be.

Her dying hours should have been to teach me how to say good bye.

Life is priceless, it should not be paid for.

In high school I really didn't know what I wanted to be. During my junior year in my ROP health class I just said I wanted to be a doctor just to humor and please my teacher. For a short while I was (mindlessly) committed to it because I liked the idea of being able to give someone the gift of life, but then just lost interest. A few years ago I realized that doctors may be able to give the gift of life, but it doesn't mean that they will. They're getting paid for it, so it's not a gift... it's a trade. No one should ever have to pay for life. If I was dying I would accept it rather than pay to have my life "saved". However, I would forever be indebted to whoever paid to have my life "saved" as it would have been done out of the bottom of their heart.

When my aunt was dying a week before I turned 14 it angered me seeing her life and suffering being prolonged. She had lived a long life but as we all know, people inevitably die. It saddens me that most doctors won't "save" lives out of the bottom of their hearts without getting paid. It saddens me that doctors get paid whether or not a patient lives, but it pisses me off that doctors get paid to prolong lives that are coming to an end anyway. But hey, everyone wants and needs money, right? It begs the question... if someone dies while a doctor is trying to "save" them for free will it be because the doctor really couldn't "save" them or will it be because they weren't being paid?

She can usually say more than 5 words to me as compared to any other employee. It's a nice feeling and everything, but awkwardness is everywhere among the employees.

It's a girl. I just get the feeling she does because she doesn't really say hi/good morning to anyone else other than the manager and assistant manager. She uses my name when she greets me and wear a big smile.

I think she's attractive, I just don't really wanna get involved.

I think one of my coworkers likes me.

I finally have a VCR again. Oh how I'm missed the quality of VHS.

I haven't woke up this late in months.

Today one of my coworkers said I sounded different.

My manager is talking about giving me more hours now that I know how to use the register.

Well, I'm not in trouble, but still, no one likes getting their hours cut.

My hours got cut again... and I have a strong feeling my ass is gonna fry because of today.

Today I'm torn between going to my friend's birthday party and my 2 nieces' birthday party.

Maybe I should just embrace my dreams of her if it's the only time I ever get to see her anymore. As pleasant as it is to see her in my dreams I don't want to, I hate waking up to the reality where she no longer lives.