We are at the point of no return
may I please see your ticket

Plane is going down
so I need proof of purchase.

As you are burning bodies
are shedding their mortal coil

Can you spare a moment
to fill out our survey

PLEASE NOTE! I am not suicidal in anyway at all. You need not worry this actually being a real farewell note. If I were to off myself (which will never happen), this is what I would write. Again, don't worry. I am NOT suicidal.




I know there is no way I can convince you that what will take place will not be an act of pure selfishness. But I don't care. I am me.

My name is Jordan

I will not live much longer and I wanted to tell someone a little about me. This is the only autobiography that I will ever write.

I was born in Kenora, Ontario 1981 to alcoholic parents. I am Ojiway indian. Because of my birthparents excessive alcohol use my brother and I were eventually adopted.
We were taken in by a loving non-native family where I was the yongest. I had two brothers and three sisters.

As I child I was always a problem stemming from my birth moms alcohol use while she was pregnant with me. Growing up a problem child there were lots of clinical questions that had arisen because of my behaviour.

I don't remember much of my early years but I do remember the rain. I had a fear of it but was soothed because my grandmother she used to tell me that God was in the rain. Now the sound of rain has always felt like home, and my grandmother.

At age 18 I came out to my parents as a bi-sexual. My dad wasn't happy about it nor was my mom. It confused them and confused me, making it more difficult in coming to terms with my identity but they and the rest of my family never stopped loving me.
At this time bi-sexuality and homosexuality was a taboo issue. I remember how "different" became "dangerous." I still don't understand it. Why they hate us so much.

Years earlier when I was 15, I experienced my first male kiss at school while in the yard. His name was Adam.
We were caught kissing again not long later and was scolded by the principal and our teacher.

As teenagers think, we thought we would love each other forever. I remember our teacher telling us that it was an adolescent phase that people outgrew.

Adam did.
I didn't.

Toronto, 2000 I had never been so happy. I'd met a girl named Sebrina in 1999 and eventually we fell deep in love. We decided to move in with one another in a small flat in the citys central west end. We were best friends and lovers.
Those were the best years of my life. We would always buy roses for each other and hang them upside down in our window.
But after a few years of constant clubbing things grew worse and worse and eventually we became distant from one another. Soon there were no more roses, for anyone.

In 2004 we seperated and I left with great sadness. I was lost for a very long time afterwards, seemingly stumbling in a dark unknown place.

I eventually got over it and moved on.
Then years later unbearable sadness took over. Unexplainable.

It seems strange that my life should end in such a terrible way, but for years I had family, friends... and roses.
But I shall die soon. Every inch of me shall perish. Every inch, but one. An inch. It is small and it is fragile and it is the only thing in the world worth having. You must never lose it or give it away. You must never let them take it from you.

I hope that whoever you are, you live a good life.
I hope that when things go wrong, the world turns and that things get better.
But what I hope most of all is that you understand what I mean when I tell you that even though I will never know you, and even though will never meet you,
laugh with you, cry with you, or kiss you,
I love you.
With all my heart. I love you.

Jordan

The Dark is generous, and it is patient.
It is the dark that seeds cruelty into justice, that drips contempt
into compassion, that poisons love with grains of doubt.
The dark can be patient, because the slightest drop of rail will cause those
seeds to sprout.
The rain will come, and the seeds will sprout, for the dark is the
soil in which they grow, and it is the clouds above them, and it waits
behind the star that gives them light.
The dark's patience in infinite
Eventually, even stars burn out.

We met outside a liquor store. His name was Danny and we'd known each other intimately from my old clubbing days.
Danny was a Russian guy, blond hair, nice build and one of the oldschool goths.He reminded me of a young Robert Plant but better looking. We didn't know each other that well except on an intimate/makeout basis. It was rather nice.
As I walked out of the store with my cheap wine and random thoughts running through my head, I saw him leaning against the wall, looking almost like a Goth god. We made eye contact, smiled and immediately embraced. Our warm lips met each other in a passionate kiss that would rival any love scene.
I hadn't seen Danny in years. This was one of those random run ins and it was one that I would never forget.
I invited him to my apartment. A highrise in the gaybourhood and a perfect view of the city's skyline.
I lived on the 19th floor in a big bachelor apartment. Two rats in a small cage to keep me company, a small tv with alot of movies and of course, a stereo system I'd had since 1997.

After catching up with one another, Danny mentioned that he was homeless so I took him in. I need more company and someone to party with. And to kiss.
As we sat over rose wine, monteray jack cheese and candles, he mentioned that he was seeing a russian girl named Kat. He wanted us to meet to party.
Not a few days later, we were introduced and the three of us became close friends.
Kat was a very pretty girl. Tall, slim, playful, smart and had a wonderful personality.
We talked alot about everything. Then things started to get weird.

One morning Danny went off to work at a woodshop where he assembled appliances and made this and that. Bored, I decided to go to a little internet cafe down the street. As soon as I logged on I was greeted by Kat. We chatted for awhile and the topic was about sex. Then she asked if Danny was gone to work. "yes" I said. The response was, "I like your look and want to do a photoshoot. I am on my way"
I had a feeling that this was going to be more than a photoshoot so I got really nervous because I could soon be fucking my roommates girlfriend while he was gone to work. I thought it over and I was turned on because this is was so sneaky. It was something you'd only see in a movie.
I walked back, thoughts, fantasies rushing about. As I entered the building and got on the elevator, I noticed this very cute girl, naturally curly hair, stylish, slim with curves and overall beautiful. In the packed elevator, she noticed me noticing her and smiled. I had to have her. I made a mental note of what floor she got off. I went to my apartment and made myself look nice.
I went back down to her floor in hopes that I could find her. I thought about knocking on all the doors but thought that to be to time consuming so I sauntered my way back to the elevator.
As I turned the corner of a long hallway, we ran into each other. We both stopped dead in our tracks.
I managed to mumble "I came down here looking for you..."
A bright, shy smile came across her face. I asked if she'd like to come up for drinks the next day and she agreed. Her name was Jenny and I will never forget her.

A knock came at the door as I sat on my couch. Nervous. Music blaring.
I opened the door and there was Kat. We went out to the balcony and had a few drinks. Then our little photoshoot commenced. There were some very nice pics.
After we were done, I sat on the couch and she walked over and stood in front of me. Immediately I pulled her down and we started kissing. Stuggling, she ripped my shirt off to find my lacerated torso. She ran her tongue over my damaged chest, her hand exploring. I was in utter bliss.
We eventually moved on to the bed where we had hardcore, loud, sweaty sex.

When Danny came home, we were sitting having drinks and chatting as if nothing ever happened.
As the evening wore on and the drinks kept coming, our inhibitions flew off the balcony.
As I was making out both with danny and Kat, I asked if they'd take advantage of me and torture me.
to my surprise, they agreed.
Down to a pair of underwear and nakedness, we were like animals.
Nothing here was taboo. We were a simbiont circle like the snobs from the Savage Garden.
We were One.
As I sat on a chair with Kat on top of me, she grabbed one of Danny's exacto knives that was on the table.

Giving me a look that said, "May I???", I gazed into her.

"Yes." I pleaded...

...To be Continued.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday
I don’t give a fuck about you.
I’m just waiting for the weekend
Friday, Saturday; I want you.

Party time
Everybody’s feeling fine
Drink and smoke your worries, off your mind
It’s party time.

In between the days get boring
Nothing changes, same old story
When the night comes down, I come alive.

You don’t know what you’ve been missing
Come right here and have a listen.
Pour a drink and light it up, we’ll have a good time

It's never too late to be whoever you want to be. There's no time limit, stop whenever you want.
You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing.
We can make the best or the worst of it.
I hope you make the best of it.
And I hope you see things that startle you.
I hope you feel things you never felt before.
I hope you meet people with a different point of view.
I hope you live a life you're proud of.
If you find that you're not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.

Just a random questionaire my friend sent me.

When was the last time you cried?: A couple of weeks ago. I was drunk.
Have you ever faked sick?: Yes. To skip out on appointments.
What was the last lie you said?: I love you
Have you ever cried during a movie?: Yes. American Beauty.
Have you ever danced in the rain?: Yes. It was liberating.
Have you ever been drunk?: Me? Never.
Do you smoke?: No.
What is your full name?: Jordan Matthew Hewitt
What is your blood-type?: B, I think.
Have you ever been in a car accident?: Yes. It wasn't that bad.
How old were you when you recieved your first kiss?: I was about 7.
Who was your first kiss?: Lindsay.
Have you ever had an online relationship?: Yes.
Have you ever been rejected by a crush?: Yes. Once or twice.
What is your favourite sport to play?: I like Track.
Have you ever made a prank phone call?: Yes. When I was 10.
Have you ever said "I Love you" and not meant it?: See question 3.
Is there anything that you have done that you regret?: Yes. Too many to explain.
What do you want to be when you grow up?: Prostitute. Drug Dealer.
What is your political persuassion?: Don't Have One.
Do you believe in god?: I believe in some sort of higher power.
Do you believe in love at first sight?: Possible.
Do you believe in karma?: No.
Who was your first crush?: Lindsay.
Who do yo uhave a crush on?: No one
How would you describe yourself?: Just a cool cat.
What are you afraid of?: Cows.
Are you religious?: No.
What does your screen name mean?: I picked it up from Dr. Phil. It was about spouses
frauding they're lovers and it just sounded cool.
What person do you trust the most?: My mom.
Who was your first boyfriend/girlfriend?: Sebrina.
What is the best compliment you have ever recieved?: "I haven't been fucked like that since grade school."
What is the meanest thing anyone has said about you?: "you suck."
What is the longest crush/relationship you have had?: 2 days.
What is your greatest strength?: My ability to consume vast quantities of pills.
What is your greatest weakness?: My ability to consume vast quantities of pills.
What is your perfect pizza?: meaty
What is your first thought when waking up in the morning?: "Shit...mayble I'll call in sick"
What is your first thought before you go to bed?: "How many sheep was that???"
What college do you want to go to?: nwhere
Do you get along with your family?: Yes
Do you play any instruments?: I play the Triangle. I rock at it too.
What kind of music do you like?: Industrial, ebm...anything really.
Would you ever get a tattoo?: Someday.
How many piercings do you have?: Not anymore.
Who makes you laugh?: you.
Who would you want to be tied to for 24hours?: Jessica R.
Have you ever seen a dead body?: Yes. I found a dead body too.
Do you have a celebrity crush?: No. What is with this crush shit???
What is one thing scientists should invent?: Lightsabers.
Have you ever broken a bone?: Yes. Triple compound fracture on my left ankle. I was walking home from my friends and misjudged a snowdrift for a snowbank and put all my weight into my left when climbing it. *Crunchy, crunchy*
What happens after you die?: We go to the Blue World and meet the Narfs.
Do you watch or read the news?: All the time.
What stereotype would you label yourself as being?: Freak.
Would your friends agree with that stereotypic label?: Most definately
If you could change your name, what would you change it to?: Frank Fencepost
If you could go back in time to one point in your life, where would you go: I dunno. My first public flogging maybe?
If you could change anything about yourself, what would you change?: My non-Commitment to just about everything and everyonw.
Have you ever gone skinny dipping?: Once.
Would you ever lie to someone to make them feel good about themselves?: Of course.
What do you want your friends to think about you?: "You're a cool cat."
HAve you ever bitten someone?: Yes.
Have you ever stolen anything?: Yes. from stores, from people I barely know, etc...
Do you make wishes on shooting stars?: Never. Too childish for me.
If you could go back and change one day, what would it be?: The first time I had a threesome. I forgot to push the 'record' button on the camera.
Do you remember your dreams?: Not always.
Have you ever been in love?: Not really no.
Are you a morning person or a night person?: Night.
Do you have any phobias?: Yes. Cows and spiders.
Have you ever been to the hospital (other then birth?): Yes. When I hurt my groin.
How many screen names do you have?: One more: Twiggy Stardust
Do any medical problems run in your family?: I don't know specifically, but I am sure there are.
Have anyone ever been disowned from your family?: No.
Have you ever had a nightmare?: Yes of course. I had one not too long ago where Johnny Cash thought I was screwing June Carter.
Do you say meaner things to your friends or your enemies?: Friends.
Have you ever cheated on your bf/gf?: Yes. A couple of times.
Have you ever laughed so hard you peed in your pants?: No. Can't say that I have.
Have you ever written a love letter?: It wasn't really about love.
Have you ever attempted suicide?: Yeah, once.
Do you prefer boxers or briefs?: Briefs.
Have you ever been in a fistfight?: Yes. Got the shit knocked out of me.
Do you have any hidden talents?: I pass off as a good looking chick.
What is one thing you want me to know about you?: I reached orgasm by putting a cup of hot coffee between my legs in the winter time.
Do you usually prefer books or movies?: I love a good book.
Who is your favourite person to talk to?: Myself
Would you ever have sex before marriage?: Oops...Too late
Who do you talk to most on the phone?: My friend Jebediah
Do you prefer british or american spelling of words?: American.
Have you ever gotten detention?: When I was in grade 7.
How do you vent your anger?: Beat up people. jk.
Have you ever been on a diet?: Yes. The "finger down the throat" diet. It works.
Would you ever date someone younger than you? Older than you?: Yes to both.
Is your best friend a virgin?: She's a fucking slut. I say that with love.
Have you ever been diagnosed with a mental illness?: Borderline Personality Disorder.
And NO it isn't cool to suffer from it kids.
Have you ever cut yourself on purpose?: Yes. It isn't cool either.
Have you ever wanted to murder someone?: Yes. Went far enought to plan it out.
Have you ever hated someone?: Yes. all the time.
Do you prefer talking on the phone or online?: Phone
Do you consider yourself popular?: Not really, unless I go to the bar in drag.
Would you ever tell the person you have a crush on that you like them?: Yes. Especially if I was drunk
Have you ever had a crush on an enemy?: Yes. That is the sexiest form of a "crush".
What is your favourite book?: The Theory and Practice of Hell
Do you have a collection of anything?: Medical paraphanillia and incense.
Are you happy with the person you are becoming?: Sometimes.
Are you a different person now then you were 5 years ago?: Not really.
What do you see yourself as being in 5 years from now?: I don't know.
Are you happy with the life you have?: It varies from day to day

Been here in little ol London for two months or so but I really miss Toronto.
I wanna go back so bad.
I miss the comfort of tall buildings surrounding me.
The different people from different places.
The hustle and bustle.
Chinatown, Parkdale, downtown.
The subway and streetcar rides.
Even the sounds and smells that are so familiar to me.

Oh me...
I think I will go back.

Clad in a corset, an enticing short skirt, a dashing cowboy hat to entice the sexy men and
women flooding up and down the streets.
One mind, one mission. one destiny. Love, Lust, Dominance, Submission, Sex. The sheep
partying with the wolves and everyone was happy. I was both a sheep and a wolf that day. Preying and hoping to be preyed on.

Then a man wearing a farout outfit made of feathers a mask and a thong approached
me. He looked at me and said, "You are so beautiful, but what makes you
even moreso are the scars you carry..." He looked over me and sexually,
intimately started to carress my scars and I did not object as i was enjoying the
moment as much as he.
He followed each scar as if it were brail. "Beautiful" he gasped.
I never saw him again.

These scars criss crossing amongst my chest and torso....Beautiful???
How can this be? I pondered.
They're (to me) a road map. A roadmap that no man or woman would and will not want
to follow. It would lead them into Hell. My Hell. Not the kind that has been burned into our
childhood minds, but of a different kind.
that is all...

Jordan
written while under the influence of a tranquilizer

On the ledge of a roof 30 stories high, holding a cheap bottle of wine and screaming at the world as my brother and friend look on. I then look 30 floors down and i have a realization. I am not me. I am someone else but who? Someone better I realize.. Oh Yeah, that guy. He's dead though.
Am I??? I don't think so. I'm still drunk and standing atop the ledge while this bitch tells me
to come down, while my brothers asshole tingles with nerveracking emotions. I guess he
was to shocked to say anything so his tingly asshole did the speaking for him.
Silently of course. Don't worry, worried friends. I'm not a politition, a priest, or even a fucking self deluded rockstar.
Bitch who's bitching; shut the fuck up. Brother, who's asshole is driving him insane, it's
finally me. JORDAN. I'm not gonna jump you morons. If i did a couple people might weep
but that's besides the point at hand here. If I stepped off I'd have to much time to regret
while the ground came, nothing but faster and closer.
There is always to much time.