that new pic is an old pic, I slicked my hair back but didn't look like it, I was holding my knife. the picture was taken by some douche bag named scott. I have a lighter skin conplexion then I did in that pic. one of my first pics that I actually liked, now my hair doesn't look much like it.

there is one memory that does still get to me, and no matter how much I try to numb it out, it only kinda hurts more. and out of all the shitty memories that I've had, they don't affect me anymore. but this one does. when I was hospitalized for my 7th time, I was in there for my birthday as well. no one visited me. and the staff made it seem as though it wasn't my birthday at all. everything was so depressing. and what kinda sucked was how everyone got a visitor, but I was the only one who didn't.

I've been single for far too long, and I want someone new I guess, but that's kinda why brittany and I didn't work because I was too busy working at the haunted house, and tanya broke up with me because she's now technically a slut as she put it in her words, and chelsea broke up with because she didn't know what she wanted. I told brittany to wait, but she told me as long as I was doing band shit and looking for a job, then she'd wait, and not going around dating anyone, and yeah she waited, for like two days. I hadn't even got jon yet and then she stops. I'm still working on band shit, I'm still looking for a job, and I'm still single. do I enjoy it? no. because there's no point to it. nothing to get my mind going on whatever. not been able to think of any new poetry really, been posting shit I already wrote for the last chapter. but I'm still only half way done with the last chapter. I need 35 more and then I can call it quits. but I think it's been like this before, towards the end of chapter 8. and didn't get easier, but I keep going through stress. one new stress after another. maybe I attract all sorts of bad shit. that's probably what everyone saw in me when they named me satan. because they saw the evil and insanity locked in my heart. and they saw no good no weakness. only cold and hatred for everything around me. maybe that's why my band's element is so fucking dark and depraved.

*this kinda tells about the creation of my band world of echos, and just events that surrounded it's creation, when "I wish this bassist would surface ..." that's when it starts*

seeing as how I'm working on chapter ten, I've gotten to the 30th poem but haven't written anything new. well I have, but I wonder if I should use them for lyrics or poems. because I know I need both, but I have alot of poems written and I need to make that back up copy on paper so when the computer or 3 1/2 floppy fucks up I can re-type it on another computer somewhere but I'll always have it. kinda glad brittany is out of my life now because now I don't have her being such a fucking distraction. and her lying to me. but then again alot of people have been lying to me lately. mike as always has always been there, and mom decided to stop being such a bitch and actually saw that something was actually wrong with me. I wish this bassist would surface already because I'm sick of waiting, and looking for them. jon wants another guitarist in the band, whatever man, but he knows my word is final in it, and I can do whatever I want in it, because I started it on my own, seeing as how arnold, derek, and brandon abandoned the band when it was called surpentor on me and formed a new one with don replacing me,but they got rid of me because they didn't want him to feel bad even though when they had me they would of been amazing. but they sounded monotonous with don because he "supposedly" had range but I didn't hear it. and john and humberto quit on me when the band was called human insanity. and I kicked Matt out because he was an asshole to jeremy and the bassist left because she didn't really want to be in the band if jeremy wasn't in it because she didn't know the others at all or me well enough to stay just for me, and I kicked chris out because he was too heavy into the drugs. we couldn't have that. and for months I continued to carry the band, but while I was in school, while it was me, matt, jeremy and the bassist....me, matt and jeremy made a song on guitar. and i kept writting lyrics, I only wrote four I noticed. the song, the parts that I came up with we're decent not like how the guitar work that I've come up with now, just flat out sucked. I went though the hospitalization for the 7th time august 9th for anger problems, I guess us quiet people do have alot of anger issues, and we hold it inside. I broke the window in my room, was as the cops put it..suicidal. but I guess that's never left me. and I spent my 18th birthday in the fucking psyche ward at alexian brothers hospital in hoffman estates. no one visited me on my birthday, but I payed no attention anyways. after being released on the day after my turning, I stayed in a playground working on guitar riffs while all around me there were cyotes in the forests that surrounded, after I stopped all I thought of was the one memory when my cousin danial's band had me do vocals for them in front of atleast about 60 people, I cut along one of the lines on my hands and smeared the blood on my face and screamed "I fucking hate you all!!!" at the crowd because they were people that I despised because even though I know they knew me and had some form of respect for me, I knew they were just sucking up for what they were going to do. that stopped them. the sun rose and showed at someones house and check to see if I got any response for band mates

almost two months had passed after the hospital stay and nothing, and then sometime in late november, my friends in the band vile order came through for me, and spread word, and I got a response from jon who is now the lead guitarist of the band, and not long after jon came, a drummer surfaced, which happened to be derek bell who's band, backlash, just had a downfall. and all that's left really is to see who's going to be the new bassist. but we've already begand writting songs as the new line-up. and honestly, I find it funny how many racist people have IMed me or messeged me on myspace claiming how there are plenty of white people that could of been in my place in the band my band mates just pitied me and that's how I got into the band, and they feel really stupid once I respond because I usually respond telling them about how I'm the starting force of the band, I'm the one that's carried this hell along for the ride, I'm the one who's responsible for the birth of it, and all the other band members are fucking white. and they except me fine for myself. but what's in store for world of echos? even as the creater of the band, I can't fucking tell right now.

for some reason my internet likes to mess with me when I have bearly slept, like last night, because I was thinking up new band shit but I have nothing right now. everythings behaving strangely today

alot has been happening lately. I've been getting head ache's alot easier and I have problems sleeping where I'll wake up about 3 ish in the morning, and I have no complaints, but my mom does, so does my brother, but my brother sleeps in the same room as me, good thing that I sleep when he goes off to school. and for some reason more and more, I dislike brittany and chelsea, brittany for lying to me. chelsea because she was going to leave me for some guy named xavier. but why the fuck would I date someone who's waiting for someone to get out of prison? well I would do it if I didn't know they were waiting for that. I'm in one of my random moods right now. no one to really talk to. nothing really to do for the band because I can't come up with guitar riffs, but then again I shouldn't really worry about the guitar riffs because I"m not the guitarist. but still, it's ackword just everything, and I think I'm starting to stop being as much of an asshole to alot of the people I know. but they always for some reason push me towards it. how did amanda find my band's page? that's what I want to know, and I hope we find a bassist soon. because we found the drummer, and jon is new as well, but he's been playing guitar for 5 years, same amount of time that i've been doing vocals. I like that. because that kinda shows that him and I will be on the same page. I have lyrics already written out. I just got to get that green note book that my aunt gave me not long ago back. because that's got my band's lyrics. damn, they were all really good.